May getaway! No seriously, get away.
I took to the Toddle Spots Facebook page to vent a little about my least favorite month, May. May is when everything needs to happen. All. The. Things. Here is my little whine fest post in case you missed that little gem (read sarcasm): May
May has never been my favorite month. Not as a teacher. Not as a parent. Summer is so, so, so close, but first you have to do all the things. All. The. Things. I was going to give a list of all the things. But no. No more lists right now. If you don’t know what all the ‘May’ things are. God Bless you. Bless your little heart. Bless it. Bless.
I like to scroll the Facebook feed to avoid what I actually should probably, maybe, sort of be doing. But I don’t read the article: The 17 Things Your Child Needs to Hear From You. I scroll passed that one since I’m 95.5% sure it’s not going to include things like ‘3. Never, ever make that sound again, child.’, or ’13. Find. Your. Shoes.’ and ’15. Does your teacher actually require this (right now in MAY), or are you trying to be an overachiever.’ Don’t children need to hear those things from you? I don’t need another list. I’m avoiding all lists right now. Even my own list. Remember why I opened up Facebook?
It’s May people….May. It might be best I don’t talk for awhile.
Since I am avoiding all lists, I opt for some introspection time and take a Facebook quiz. It turns out that my spirit animal is sweetened condensed milk. This makes a lot of sense to me and explains the weight that just didn’t come off despite the fact that we are now starring down the barrel of June. I feel I know myself better and suddenly want a t-shirt declaring my Facebook discovered spirit animal. It’s empowering knowledge. My Spirit Animal is Sweetened Condensed Milk. I want that to cover my torso. Can someone make this happen for me? I just can’t. Any fellow SCMs (sweetened condensed milks) out there?
I said this to my husband once. He nodded. He looked a little confused but said no words. The wisdom of over a decade of marriage. He text me later that he needs an egg dish for some function.
Sweetened condensed milk can’t possibly do all the things, people. I can’t do all the things.
Ok. Time to stop the whining. Time to get off Facebook. I will try and do one something followed by another something.
Things will get done.
Cry baby. May is so harrrrddddd! Yada Yada. Boo.
It’s hard, ok! My to do list feels long and urgent. I might let someone down. I might let myself down. I don’t even know where to begin.
The kids are barely clothed. Everything is hanging by a thread. (See Shoes). School supplies are dwindling. Lunch boxes and backpacks are giving me side-eye. A season is ending.
So, let’s be clear that I have never actually taken a Facebook quiz to date. I was just trying to be funny before or lying or something. I don’t need to take a Facebook quiz because I already know my spirit animal, SCM.
I was not lying about wanting a t-shirt. Sweetened condensed milk, I want to wear you.
Not joking. I want apparel.
Plus my big ole jar of homemade coffee creamer (The recipe is going out to my email subscribers next week!) was shattered on the kitchen floor. I’m under caffeinated and super sensitive about Kindergarten coming to an end. I’m worried that I can’t fully take it all in because, yes you guessed it…All. The. Things.
My boy is about to NOT be a kindergartener anymore.
It’s not a big deal. Nothing here is a big deal. I’m just not there yet. This year isn’t over yet.
Nothing about any of this is life threatening or even so much life changing, but it presses in on me. It’s nothing really, and yet I am affected. I can’t let side comments roll as easily. My brain knows that the feelings I have aren’t lining up properly, but there they are. Too big, too small.
I’m broken. A little broken. I might eatAll. The. Things.
At my mother’s group last week I was quiet, and the fellow mommies noticed I was quiet. It was true. My brain is having trouble catching up. My feelings aren’t matching up with reality. I under and over react consistently. Talking is hard because I cry. My patience is thin. It’s the skinniest little thing. My patience needs a sandwich.
My ‘rights’ seem so big and my boundaries are so firm that people bust through them, flexibility is hard. Rigid. So rigid that they crack easily. I like when my boundaries are more bounce house like. You can push up against them and they will give a little. Push too far and you get playfully bounced off. Gentle but sufficient to the task.
Under pressure, I forget to love. I feel defensive and misunderstood. I forget to feel loved. I interpret everything as a slight against me, the email that wasn’t replied to, the text that was too abrupt, the look between two people that feels like a conversation I’m not a part of. I am worn out. I forget that everyone around me is just trying to survive too. It’s May for everyone.
I am messy. A little messy. I can’t clean up All. The. Things.
But then there is this. Next weekend hubby and I are going to a marriage conference that basically fell in our laps and we are staying away for 2 whole nights (thanks to my mother-in-law!). And there it is, completely and unexpectedly, an oasis.
I thought I would snap before June 3rd. But I see a little glimmer of hope. I can rest a minute. Fuel up. Pause.
There are little touch points in the rhythm of my day. Moments that anchor me. First thing in the morning when I get quiet before my God. Read, pray, think, write, sip hot coffee. Mid morning when I refresh my coffee. Nap time, when I eat lunch, read, and if I need or can, nap too. Afternoon snack time with the kids. Dinner around the table. Pre bedtime snuggles with littles. Evening chats with big littles. When life is too strained, these important moments get filled with All. The. Things. The anchor is pulled and we begin to drift. Everything/one drifts.
In the morning I think of the coming oasis in my life, in May, of all months! If Ryan and I were to plan a get away together it would never, ever be in May. Yet, here it comes with practically zero planning on our part, much needed though it is. A needed touchpoint in life. Time away from the nest. Time to make sure that the most important of all my earthly relationships is well maintained. Making sure that we are on the same page, and everything that goes unsaid when tasks and kids are closing in, gets voiced or released.
A passage comes to mind: psalm 18:16-19.
I love how we call it a passage. You can walk through or not. It’s like a way from one side to the other. I want it to be my way of choice, but I forget often. But not today today I remember a passage. A way.
But me he caught—reached all the way
from sky to sea;
He pulled me outof that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!
psalm 18:16-19 (msg)
A favorite passage. I read it again and I think of how May is making me feel right now. Ever drowned in a void before? Oh hello May.
The coming mini-vaycay, these verses lived out in a big way. When I allow, God has a way of changing my mind set. He would do this more often, he does it more often I'm sure, but I'm not watchful.
For example, when I am driving and my guys fall asleep, I’m stuck in the car. I could curse that I can’t get anything done, or I could welcome the pause, the needed rest. I could sit there in my spacious mini-van, surprised to be loved. Grateful.
He provides me a spacious place. Room to be.
I could remember all the ‘have’ to dos are actually ‘get’ to dos. Perspective. The small touch points in my day keep me anchored and sometimes larger touch points, like weekend getaways, make all the difference.
I stand here saved—surprised to be loved!
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